Letters to Victor

Update as of 10-15-2018 -- The case has been dismissed by both parties.  As we have agreed to move forward, the dismissed case will remain confidential.

I wrote several letters to Victor during our one year relationship. I will only share a few of them. I do not believe there was any misunderstanding as to my feelings towards him and what I wanted out of the relationship.  I was always honest with him.

August 2010

On August 16, 2010 I wrote to Victor the following letter after he got upset with me when I told him that I was investing in his film project because he and I were "involved." He thought I did not believe in him or his talent.

My dearest Victor:

I am so sorry about what happened yesterday. I never intended to react like that or to upset you. I have been upset about this whole thing myself. I decided to write a letter. Hopefully, I will be able to express myself in a clear way that will not be misinterpreted.

When I started my Master’s in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica, all students were asked to choose a “quality”. Some people chose “courage”, “peace”, “joy”, “generosity”… I chose one that inspires me and resonates with how I feel about myself and how I approach the world.  I chose unconditional loving. I set an affirmation - to show and share unconditional loving for everyone and everything through kind actions and compassionate communication. Living my life with that affirmation has allowed me to see so much beauty in people and in the world.

And that is exactly what I feel for you – unconditional love. And please let me explain this concept. It goes beyond physical or romantic love. It imposes no conditions, no limitations. I found the following quote in one of the books I read for my class. This quote in particular talks about the love we give our children and how unconditional love nurtures personal and spiritual growth.

“When we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity.  Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life – cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, and integrity – and to live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than to react to our conditions and limitations… when we attach strings or conditions to that gift – we actually encourage others to violate the primary laws of life.” (Stephen Covey)

I love you unconditionally. This means that there are no strings, no conditions and no limitations... My love asks for nothing. This love I feel exists because it recognizes your beautiful spirit and can see beyond the body, the mind and the emotions. 

I have also come to really understand that we are spiritual beings having a human experience on this earth. There are levels where we operate -physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The spiritual level is where our true self resides. The other three levels are governed by our ego and we will always have to deal with them as long as we are alive. This is the only way we learn and grow.

I can genuinely say that I see you. I see the true you, your soul. Your soul is bright and pure. I can see it even when you are upset or sad.  Its light touches a lot of people. It has certainly touched me.  And that is how I have connected with you. I love you in all the other levels as well. However, they don’t affect the true love I feel for you.  Let me explain a little more.

The physical level – You are a beautiful man. There is no question about that. But that is not why I love you. If you lost all your hair, all your teeth, gained 200 pounds, … or even ended up looking like your character in the movie (short) you did, my love for you would not diminish one bit.

The mental level – I do love your mind and your creativity. Watching you create and write inspires me like you have no idea.  But again, if you lost your mental capacities – let’s say you went crazy, or got amnesia, dementia, Alzheimer’s… my love for you would not change either.

The emotional level – I love what a devoted son you are and how much you love and care for your mother. I like the respect and courtesy you show all people. I also appreciate what a wonderful friend you have been to me.  You have been a true blessing in my life!

I am not attaching any conditions to my love for you.  As I said before, it is unconditional.  I am not asking you to do anything or to feel something you don’t. You don’t have to reciprocate my feelings. You don’t have to have a “relationship” with me. If, for whatever reason, you decide you don’t want me in your life as a friend or business partner anymore, I would respect your decision – and my love for you would be intact. No conditions – REALLY, no conditions at all.

I decided to tell you all this because I love and respect myself. I am honoring my heart and my soul. I am being true to myself. And why pretend I don’t feel what I feel or see what I see? My feelings for you are beautiful. I will not hide them anymore.  I remember these lines from the movie “Adaptation” with Nicholas Cage – something like this… The love you feel for someone is yours. Nobody has the right to take it away from you, not even the person you love…“You are what you love, not what loves you”.

“The way to fill your life with love is very simple: If you want more love, give more love.” (Deepak Chopra)

My connection with you is real and goes beyond the physical realm. I trust you completely. I believe in you, your projects and your vision. I feel honored to be with you in this phase of your journey. Thank you for allowing me to be close to you and to get to know you. I will never betray you as a friend. You can always count on me. When I said that I was investing in your project because you were important to me, I meant it. I NEVER said that my investment required you to be “involved” with me.

I am not saying that I would not like to be involved with you. Why wouldn’t I? You are wonderful and I see the true you. However, it is not a requirement. It has never been and will never be. Things can stay just as they are right now. I will be your business partner, friend, sex slave… left hand, or whatever feels right for you.  I am not asking you to change anything.

“Don't try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. See God opening millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds” (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh)

Baby, I totally love you and adore you.  I don’t want to own you or make you mine.  Nobody can own anybody else. The only thing that is real is the connection among people. We have borrowed our physical bodies while we experience this life.  We will have to return them when we depart.  We will also leave behind all the material things we have accumulated. We can only take our experiences and the love we have for others and for this world.

Thanks for being in my life!

Love,

Adriana

PS- I know why I came to your life. I came to your life to witness the growth of an outstanding writer and director.

“Before you can do something that you’ve never done before, you have to be able to imagine it’s possible.” (Jean Shinoda Bolen)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”  (Marianne Williamson)

On emails -

From: Adriana
To: Victor 

It is a very long letter. It took me hours to write. I wanted to communicate things clearly to you. I would have preferred to do this in person. I tried to do it, remember? I just couldn't. You were making me laugh. 

I hope I was able to express myself in a coherent way. I used some quotes as well... I felt like I was writing an essay (hahaha)... a very important essay, honoring myself, my feelings and you. 

Thanks for being you... 

Love
Adriana 

From: Victor
To: Adriana 

Thanks you Adriana, that is a beautiful letter... sounds like a contract but hey... that is you... and I have to respect it and take it... that is why we are friends... right? anyhow, I am sorry I snapped too, but I am going through a hard times now... you know if I don't come up with a solution for this place I will be forced to move back home... I ended up in this situation part due to help my mom financial problem, back in 2007 and part due to have been betrayed by my ex-girflriend who stole 150k... yes so that is me now... well we have to have the present not the past... I am a giver and that is what happens to givers sometimes.. now I am in deep shit... but I am not a quitter. Thanks for been my friend.
love V

It was clear to me, on Victor's letter, that he was stressing the fact that we were "friends." I thought we would not be intimate again. I was ok with that. I truly loved him unconditionally. Of course, he would say one thing and do another. We continued developing our intimate relationship after this letter was written.

November 2010

Victor and I had a big fight when I wrote him a text saying, "have a good weekend." He and I communicated every single day. Saying this meant we would not talk for three days. He reacted to this. I wrote another letter. I thought that since he did not want to have a formal relationship and I had strong feelings for him, it was best for me to distance myself.  This is what I wrote to him:

Victor,

I don’t understand what happened. I know it was not only my text wishing you a “great week”. I know there is much more than that. Something must have happened on Friday or Saturday. 

You say that my text message was childish and extreme. If that is true, what do you call the way you are treating me? Isn't this extreme too?  I know you are going through very tough times.  Why don’t you tell me what is going on? You know I truly care about you and have always been there for you.

I called you several times and you did not return any of my calls. I know you would be really upset with me if I did the same thing to you. You would ask me to have the courtesy to call you back. I don’t know what else to do. I actually feel that you despise me. I sense it in your text messages and in your refusing to talk to me.

As I wrote in my previous letter: “I am not attaching any conditions to my love for you.  As I said before, it is unconditional.  I am not asking you to do anything or to feel something you don’t. You don’t have to reciprocate my feelings. You don’t have to have a “relationship” with me. If, for whatever reason, you decide you don’t want me in your life as a friend or business partner anymore, I would respect your decision – and my love for you would be intact. No conditions – REALLY, no conditions at all.”  

It is clear to me that you don’t want me in your life right now. I am not asking you to change how you feel. That is just the way things are. I respect you and will give you all the space you need.

It is really painful for me to try to contact you when you treat me this way. I also have self-respect and cannot put myself in a situation like this any longer. I know it has only been a few days. But this is beating up my spirit. I love you deeply… and at the same time my heart needs nurturing and respect. I am the only one responsible for my own actions, emotions and wellbeing. I am the only one who can take care of my heart and my spirit. So I have to distance myself. I cannot continue harming myself like this.

Please call me if you want to talk. I will always pick up the phone with a smile. And I will receive you with a warm hug when I see you again.

If I don’t hear from you, I will understand your decision and will respect it.

I love you, always have and always will.

Adriana

We talked right after I sent him this letter. We became even closer. He was becoming sweeter to me when we were intimate. I believed that our relationship was growing.

December 2010

I, again, tried to distance myself from Victor when I realized that my feelings were getting stronger while our relationship was not going towards a more formal "labeled" relationship. My head was telling me to put some "emotional" distance between the two of us. My heart was telling me to just be loving and generous... Although it may sound a little "conflictive",  I was not really confused about our relationship. I knew I could continue loving him even if we were not "intimate" any more. In fact, my head was telling me to end the "intimate" relationship to protect myself.

I was about to leave for Mexico for Christmas. I told him I would not have time to see him until after my trip. He got very upset and said "and you cannot find the time to see me?? I thought we would spend time together before you left!"  I changed my schedule and saw him twice before I left for Mexico.

                                                                                                                          Dec 20, 2010

Dear Victor,

I have been thinking about the conversation we had today. You are right about everything you said – about me acting like a child and playing games; how confusing a friendship like ours can be; how addicting sex can be (especially when it is so good); and how it can affect our work relationship.

The reason why I have acted childish and played games on those 3 occasions is because my head, my reasoning, tells me that I should not feel what I feel. I feel more for you that you feel for me. I am not ashamed of it. It is just the way it is. You have always been clear to me about our friendship. You have NEVER misled me. So my mind/brain takes over and tries to protect me. My head thinks that if I stay away from you I cannot be rejected. Then I do or say something that will make you react… and I do it in a way, that I shut you out and push you away before you have the chance to do it to me.  It is very childish, I know. 

My mind and my head agree completely with what you suggested: stop having sex, remain good friends and have a good business relationship. It is what makes sense. My soul and my heart, on the other hand, could not disagree more. In the next few paragraphs I will try to write what my heart has not been able to express clearly.

 What I will miss is not the sex itself but the intimacy that we have developed. Our friendship is as wonderful as it is because of every single component in it, including the sex. It is true that it is an unusual situation. We have become such good friends because we have developed trust and intimacy. Sex brought us close. It is the truth – at least for me. I don’t regret any minute I have spent with you.

I know that you are not my boyfriend and that we are not dating. It has always been clear to me. I am not confused, baby. I know where I stand in this relationship. It would be much easier if I were your girlfriend… I know, I know… you see me as a friend… I also know you truly care about me and you don’t want me to get hurt. You are a gentleman and a wonderful friend.

You said that we are friends and that friends don’t have sex. I agree - I don’t sleep with any of my friends either. But you are more than a simple friend to me. I love you so much. You know that I would do anything for you. I would give you everything I have and everything I am.

Finding this type of love is the greatest gift and does not happen often. If you don’t feel it, it is ok. It cannot be forced. If you felt it, you would know and have the certainty I have.  I cried and cried before I wrote this letter. I am so sad because I don’t want to lose what you and I have… And at the same time, I must admit that I feel fortunate because I have experienced this. Thank you for letting me love you these past seven months. You are the one who inspired this love and made it bloom. It is yours - believe me. It belongs to you.

Please be patient with me, as it will take a while to get used to not being physically close to you. I express my love with hugs and physical affection…. Don’t ask me to stop loving you. My love for you is so profound… it is unconditional and it will never die.

All my love,

Adriana

In this letter, I tell him that he never misled me as to being boyfriend-girlfriend and that he was always honest with me. Little did I know he would mislead me into this whole friendship/intimacy/business relationship.... that would end up in betrayal, lawsuits and scandals.

July 2011

After a couple of break-ups with Victor, in Italy and in California, I wrote the following letter to him. I have to admit that this letter was part of my final exam for my Master's in Spiritual Psychology.  I did a lot of processing, forgiving and healing through the writing of this letter.

Dear Victor,

May and June have been really difficult months for me. I know they have also been extremely challenging for you… Our friendship has suffered tremendously because of numerous misunderstandings and lack of communication. What I want you to know is that my love and respect for you are unchanged. As I have told you many times, my love for you is unconditional. It does not need validation or acknowledgement to survive. It will always be there even if you and I don’t communicate.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on the events that occurred and how everything unfolded. I feel that I have an idea of how terrible you felt and continue to feel. And this is the way I imagine it has been for you –

You started working full time on this film project in January. By this time, you had already accumulated countless hours of lack of rest and sleep. You found relative peace and balance through regular exercise and healthful eating. The first two months you spent long hours working on the budget, finding the crew, equipment, casting, etc, etc. Basically, you were doing 100 jobs at one time and not getting compensated at all. It was your project and you believed in it. You knew that if you put your heart and soul into it, something amazing would be created and you would be rewarded with some financial stability. You also wanted me, as your executive producer, to benefit from this project. You did everything you could to keep the budget as low as possible. You asked for hundreds of favors towards this production from friends, family and people you know in the business.

Just three months later, you were flying to Italy to do some of the pre-production work, location scouting, etc, etc. You also had to replace several crew people and had to deal with permits, insurance and other things.

Now, let’s picture this whole scenario…. At this point, you are already running on fumes but your will and determination keep you moving forward. By the time filming starts the first week of June, you have not had a decent night sleep for at least five months. And you still continue putting your heart and soul into this project… You start encountering many obstacles and challenges along the way. The actors don’t study their lines and show little commitment to the film. Some of the people in the crew turn out to be deceitful and irresponsible. Everything is at the verge of falling apart. But somehow, you always pull it off and move through it successfully.

Then I get to Italy. You feel that finally you will get some help and support. I will be there for you. I don’t communicate with you the way you would expect. In fact, nobody is communicating properly… and nobody shows that they really care. You feel all alone, carrying the whole burden of this film project. You are also using your own funds for this movie. In fact, you are getting in debt. You don’t want to share this with me because you think I have already invested a lot. This lack of communication between us creates distance and misunderstandings. Now, at this point, you are certainly alone. There is nobody there to lend you a hand.

Despite all the difficulties, the movie wraps and is finished a couple of days before schedule. You offer a beautiful “wrap” party where everyone has fun. You even hand the “snap awards” bringing humor and laughter that certainly dissipated the tension that had developed on set during filming.

Just a day later you realize that there is some equipment missing and that some people in the crew, who you considered friends, have betrayed you. The last two weeks that you had planned to stay in Italy to rest and enjoy with family, you have to spend dealing with all the problems left by the irresponsible people who were part of the production team. You were alone during the whole filming period, and now you are truly alone dealing with this mess.

Then you come back to the US and you realize that I have been keeping in touch with those people who hurt you and betrayed you. You start wondering where my loyalty is – with them or with you. You get furious and want me out of your life immediately. You don’t feel you can trust me anymore. How could you trust me when I have shown so little respect and appreciation for you and for the hard work you have performed for the last five months!!!

Is this accurate, Victor??? I hear you clearly when you communicate with me. You don’t even have to say anything sometimes. I know you very well and can sense what you are going through. I know that all these feelings of hurt, disappointment and betrayal are very real to you. Who am I to tell you they are not real? If you are feeling them, of course they are real. I am so sorry you are going through this right now and are feeling let down by so many people including me.

What I can tell you is this. I never meant to hurt or disappoint you. I have always been there for you. I have always respected you and appreciated all your hard work. I got into this project because I believe in your talent and want to be part of your vision and dream. And the main reason I became part of this is because I truly love you and know how much this means to you. Why wouldn’t I put my heart and soul into your dream???

I am about to graduate from my Master’s Program in Spiritual Psychology in a month. I started my Master’s about the same time I met you in 2009. I have learned and experienced so much in this program and in the wonderful relationship I had with you. It is so interesting that my program and our relationship developed in a parallel way. I would like to share with you a few of the things I have learned.

*Everything happens for a reason – EVERYTHING. They way you and I met, the timing… everything – it was meant to happen the way it did. The great times we spent together… even the horrible fight we recently had.  Yes, all that happened for a reason. I am so grateful for having met you. I would not trade a second spent with you. If we are meant to go our separate ways… then, it is for a reason as well…

*The biggest challenges bring the greatest opportunities – they come to our lives to shake us, wake us up and offer us the opportunity for increased awareness and growth. I met you when you were going through some of the toughest moments of your life. I had the wonderful opportunity to get close to you and witness your creativity and talent at work. Now this big challenge we are facing… yes, there is a great opportunity right behind it. We just have to be willing to see it.

*Everything is perfect and exactly the way it should be at any given time. Just ask Tarzan. I am sure he sees no imperfections in you or in the world… If we only saw the world through the eyes of animals or nature… we could see perfection.

*My outer world is a result and a projection of my inner reality. I create my life. I create my reality. I am the only person who perceives it the way I do. We all view our world in our own personal way. That is why there are so many misunderstandings and conflicts. Each person is a world… a separate reality… I have learned to be empathetic and respectful of other people’s lives and views…  But there is something we all have in common… The common denominator in all these “realities” is the love that connects us.

*And the most important lesson I have learned through my relationship with you is this…. Falling in love is the greatest gift the Universe (or God) can offer us. When we fall in love, we see a reflection of our own love and beauty on the other person. Thank you for that Victor. Loving you has been an honor. I have learned that my love has no limits or conditions. If I can love you that way… I can love myself that way… I can love the world that way too.

It has been a true honor knowing you. I feel grateful for having been part of your life.

Love,

Adriana

I wrote this letter with kindness, compassion and unconditional love towards myself, him, everyone and EVERYTHING. When I wrote it I never expected it to become part of my deposition.  

During my deposition, Roger Muse, Victor's attorney, used the text written in italics against me to show lack of credibility. He took what is written there as facts, when in reality I was just putting myself in Victor's position so I could be empathetic. I never stated that what was written there was the truth.

This is the last letter I wrote to Victor with my heart. What came next, was ego-driven communication between the two of us.  No more affection, kindness or generosity... our relationship was never to be restored.

Disclaimer – As of October 15, 2018, all legal issues have been resolved. This resolution was reached during arbitration. There are no pending issues related to fraud or theft. The resolution was mutually agreeable. There will be no more posts written about this story.