Facing Adversity with a Smile

This post is dedicated to my sweet friend Angelina*.  

Two weeks ago, I got together with a group of friends. We were celebrating the birthday of two of them.... like if we really needed an excuse to meet for Happy Hour.  This group is very dear to me because they are not only very close friends but also happen to be my colleagues (fellow court interpreters). 

We were all sharing stories and updates on our personal lives when Angelina made an announcement. "After six 'chemo's, 25 radiation sessions, a double mastectomy, I want to announce that on the 19th of February, I underwent my last radiation," she cheerfully stated.

All eyes were focused on Angelina at this point. "What???" we were all thinking, "... and she hid this secret for how long?" She kept this private for about a year. Only her immediate family, close relatives and health professionals involved in her treatment knew about it. She told us that she did not want people to look at her differently. She didn't want anyone to worry about her.

Her story is quite unique. She knew something was not right when she discovered a tiny bump on her breast. Mammograms and several other tests showed nothing abnormal. Doctors told her not to worry about it, to go home and to come back in 3 months or earlier if she noticed any changes. In less than a month, she was back at the doctor's office demanding more tests to be run -- she felt there was something wrong. At this point, the test results were positive for cancer.

Anyone who personally knows Angelina would agree with me. She always has a positive attitude, has a great sense of humor and a permanent smile painted on her beautiful face. It is not surprising that her bright joy could not be clouded by this disease. She opted to keep herself active and useful. She continued going to the gym and taking her regular load of work, for the most part.

As I was listening to the details of the long treatment and what she had gone through, my eyes teared up. I then asked her, "when did you have your surgery? I remember I gave you so many assignments through my agency. You were always happy to take long hours of work!!" She told me that her surgery had been on Black Friday. "Right before Thanksgiving???" I said, "you were working on Wednesday!!"

She laughed while sharing an anecdote with us about an assignment she had with a colleague in Wisconsin. This colleague said to Angelina, "I am tired and don't feel like driving. You drive." Angelina thought, "I just had my chemo a few days ago... but what the heck, I will drive." And she took over the steering wheel with the biggest smile on her face.

She then showed me her appointment book. She had marked her chemo sessions as "cocktail" and radiation as "tanning," her double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, labeled as "new look." She laughed as she was sharing this with me, amused at her own creativity. "Cocktails, tanning... Anyone who reads my appointment book would think I'm living THE LIFE."   She certainly is.

There are two great lessons to be learned from Angelina's experience.

Listen 

Listen to your body. Listen to your inner voice. All answers are within you. What would have happened if Angelina had listened to what the doctors originally recommended instead of listening to her own body? She would have gone home, forgotten about it and would have come back when it could have been too late to combat this illness.

Smile

Having a positive and optimistic attitude will take you far... beyond unimaginable limits.  An actual physical smile on your face changes the tone of your voice, your attitude, your mood... and it certainly affects the interaction you have with others.

*I am keeping my friend's real name confidential and using Angelina --- 

Honoring Angelina Jolie and her decision to undergo a double mastectomy.

Coming to this world is the most precious gift we all get at birth. Our parents, siblings, children are beautiful gifts as well. And we also have an invaluable gift that we sometimes forget we possess -- the gift of CHOICE.   We get to choose our friends, our careers, activities we enjoy, food, music, art we love. We also get to choose what we do... and what we don't do. Let's choose to see the positive in other people and in every situation. Let's choose to see the best in ourselves and in our lives. Let's choose to walk in life with a smile on our face.

I found this video on line. It made me smile.

Guardian Angels

Update as of 10-15-2018 -- The case has been dismissed by both parties.  As we have agreed to move forward, the dismissed case will remain confidential.

Do You Believe in Angels?

I do. Because I grew up catholic, my belief in angels was something that developed in a very natural, organic way.  When I was about 6 years old, I was having terrible nightmares that were keeping me up at night. After telling my mom about this, she suggested I prayed before going to bed. She told me that we all had a guardian angel who protected us at all times.  My mom also bought me this beautiful porcelain angel that she placed right above my bed. My nightmares immediately ceased.

What are angels?

After reading many definitions for "angel" from different sources, I chose the simple definition google offers.

an•gel   /ˈānjəl/

noun
1. a spiritual being believed to act as an attendant, agent or messenger of God, conventionally represented in human form with wings and a long robe.
2. a person of exemplary conduct or virtue.
3. a person who supports a business financially, typically one who invests private capital in a small or newly established enterprise.

I have encountered many "human"angels in my life - from my childhood best friend to two total strangers who came to my rescue when my car got stuck in the snow on a bitter cold Minnesota winter day.

We also have probably been "angels" to at least one other person in our life.  Just think about how your actions and your simple presence affect your surroundings and every single person who interacts with you. These people that are touched and affected by your actions and energy also have the same effect on others. It is like a domino effect. Well, I would describe it more like a source or "core" that branches out in every direction and multiplies exponentially.

According to the definition provided by google, there is an "angel" who financially supports newly established enterprises. We could say then that I was an "angel" to the production of "Looking for Clarissa" - at least an "angel INVESTOR." Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to not invest in this film. I start thinking of all that money I spent on the production of the film and on attorneys I hired to litigate this case... the money I lost in business due to Alfieri's slanderous allegations. I would have close to $500,000 in the bank!... Or would I? Does it really matter?

What matters to me is that when I decided to put money in this project, I did it believing it was a good investment into a future I wanted - film production. I was also helping a loved one achieve his dream of becoming a film director.

I have been so fortunate to encounter so many angels in my life path. Some have come to help me learn valuable lessons. Others have come to simply keep a door toward new ideas and opportunities open so I can walk through it.

Because we are angels to one another, we always have the opportunity to be generous and kind with our actions.  A selfless act of kindness is certainly angel-like behavior.

Thank you  - Mom, dad, Teresa, Karla, Marcela, Norma, Fernando, Sandra, Flor, Eloisa, Lourdes, Ken, Jason, Diana, Marjorie, Angie, David, Vivian, Gina, Arthur, Brian, April, Natalie, Alessia, Erik, Raul, Jorj, Tieg, Carlos, Jaime, Mike, Natalia, Hugh, Noel, Ian, Martha, Ka, Andrea, Erica, Jenna, Zee, Marco, Mary, Ricardo, Laura, Matt, John, Can, Christine, Roxane, Eva, Miguel, Marianne, Frances, Debra, Hass, David, Brad, Patricia, Dan, Becky, Sharon, Angelica, Alan, Bobby and Kevin.

And a special "thank you" to all those angels who have been supportive during this Trevino-Alfieri saga. I don't need to give specific names. You know who you are.

Some of these angels are still an important part of my life while others have left in not the best of terms. It really does not matter. What I know is that they have all touched my life in a meaningful way - they have helped me become who I am in the world today.

Disclaimer – As of October 15, 2018, all legal issues have been resolved. This resolution was reached during arbitration. There are no pending issues related to fraud or theft. The resolution was mutually agreeable. There will be no more posts written about this story.

Being Brave

Update as of 10-15-2018 -- The case has been dismissed by both parties.  As we have agreed to move forward, the dismissed case will remain confidential.

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Last night a male friend of mine said to me that having all these details of my relationship with Victor over the internet was a big "turn off." His advice to me was not to talk about it. "And these lawsuits..." he started saying, "I did not start any of this" I interrupted. And not to talk about it??? It was not a choice for me anymore. My reputation and business were greatly damaged because of this. I had to clear my name somehow.

This friend then said, "you must have done something to make him do what he did to you." I don't believe I am responsible for Victor's actions. However, I would have to agree with my friend to some degree. This "Trevino-Alfieri Story" would have not happened if I had not stayed in a relationship with Victor - a relationship as a lover, friend or business partner. I chose to stay. I chose to trust him. I chose to invest in his film. I chose not to speak up when I disagreed. I always had a choice... And I certainly made a choice every time.

I finally feel that I am starting to recover from this whole experience. I believe I have come a long way. But, why am I so hurt by my friend's words?... So what am I supposed to do now? Should I take down this blog? Should I stop writing my book? Should I go curl up in a corner and swallow my truth? Should I shove this whole experience (the good and the bad) into a dark closet where "shameful" stories are to be hidden?

No! I have chosen to be brave and speak up. As to being courageous and honest, my friend Jane told me of a very popular song that addresses these two qualities. The song is "Brave" by Sara Bareilles. "Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do when they settle beneath your skin, kept on the inside and no sunlight. Sometimes the shadow wins. But I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave."

The lyrics to this great song speak to me loudly, just as I imagine they do to many other people. "Don't run, stop holding your tongue. Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in. Show me how big your brave is."

And the song goes on to say, "And since your history of silence won't do you any good. Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty. Why don't you tell them the truth?"

So I told my truth!!! And I continue sharing it with anyone who cares to read my words. Some will understand me a little better and will feel empathy. Some will be critical and will judge me. Others will get triggered or annoyed with my story and its details. Some might even take it personally... And maybe some will feel deeply touched and inspired to stop hiding and speak up their own truth.

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Thank you, Sara Bareilles for your wonderful uplifting and inspiring song.

I will keep it as part of my blog to remind us that we can all be brave and live in our truth!!!

"BRAVE"

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes the shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down

By the enemy

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing

Bow down to the mighty

Don't run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence

Won't do you any good

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don't you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I want to see you be brave

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I want to see you be brave

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I want see you be brave

I just want to see you

I just want to see you

I just want to see you.

Songwriters

BAREILLES, SARA / ANTONOFF, JACK

Published by

Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

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There are two songs that remind me how important it is to speak up and tell my truth. "Brave," by Sara Bareilles is one, the other is Katy Perry's "Roar."  I found this interesting video on YouTube. 

I did have this very choice to make when I wrote this post - ""Roar" Vs. "Brave."

I chose "Brave." 

Disclaimer – As of October 15, 2018, all legal issues have been resolved. This resolution was reached during arbitration. There are no pending issues related to fraud or theft. The resolution was mutually agreeable. There will be no more posts written about this story.

Letters to Victor

Update as of 10-15-2018 -- The case has been dismissed by both parties.  As we have agreed to move forward, the dismissed case will remain confidential.

I wrote several letters to Victor during our one year relationship. I will only share a few of them. I do not believe there was any misunderstanding as to my feelings towards him and what I wanted out of the relationship.  I was always honest with him.

August 2010

On August 16, 2010 I wrote to Victor the following letter after he got upset with me when I told him that I was investing in his film project because he and I were "involved." He thought I did not believe in him or his talent.

My dearest Victor:

I am so sorry about what happened yesterday. I never intended to react like that or to upset you. I have been upset about this whole thing myself. I decided to write a letter. Hopefully, I will be able to express myself in a clear way that will not be misinterpreted.

When I started my Master’s in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica, all students were asked to choose a “quality”. Some people chose “courage”, “peace”, “joy”, “generosity”… I chose one that inspires me and resonates with how I feel about myself and how I approach the world.  I chose unconditional loving. I set an affirmation - to show and share unconditional loving for everyone and everything through kind actions and compassionate communication. Living my life with that affirmation has allowed me to see so much beauty in people and in the world.

And that is exactly what I feel for you – unconditional love. And please let me explain this concept. It goes beyond physical or romantic love. It imposes no conditions, no limitations. I found the following quote in one of the books I read for my class. This quote in particular talks about the love we give our children and how unconditional love nurtures personal and spiritual growth.

“When we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity.  Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life – cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, and integrity – and to live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than to react to our conditions and limitations… when we attach strings or conditions to that gift – we actually encourage others to violate the primary laws of life.” (Stephen Covey)

I love you unconditionally. This means that there are no strings, no conditions and no limitations... My love asks for nothing. This love I feel exists because it recognizes your beautiful spirit and can see beyond the body, the mind and the emotions. 

I have also come to really understand that we are spiritual beings having a human experience on this earth. There are levels where we operate -physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The spiritual level is where our true self resides. The other three levels are governed by our ego and we will always have to deal with them as long as we are alive. This is the only way we learn and grow.

I can genuinely say that I see you. I see the true you, your soul. Your soul is bright and pure. I can see it even when you are upset or sad.  Its light touches a lot of people. It has certainly touched me.  And that is how I have connected with you. I love you in all the other levels as well. However, they don’t affect the true love I feel for you.  Let me explain a little more.

The physical level – You are a beautiful man. There is no question about that. But that is not why I love you. If you lost all your hair, all your teeth, gained 200 pounds, … or even ended up looking like your character in the movie (short) you did, my love for you would not diminish one bit.

The mental level – I do love your mind and your creativity. Watching you create and write inspires me like you have no idea.  But again, if you lost your mental capacities – let’s say you went crazy, or got amnesia, dementia, Alzheimer’s… my love for you would not change either.

The emotional level – I love what a devoted son you are and how much you love and care for your mother. I like the respect and courtesy you show all people. I also appreciate what a wonderful friend you have been to me.  You have been a true blessing in my life!

I am not attaching any conditions to my love for you.  As I said before, it is unconditional.  I am not asking you to do anything or to feel something you don’t. You don’t have to reciprocate my feelings. You don’t have to have a “relationship” with me. If, for whatever reason, you decide you don’t want me in your life as a friend or business partner anymore, I would respect your decision – and my love for you would be intact. No conditions – REALLY, no conditions at all.

I decided to tell you all this because I love and respect myself. I am honoring my heart and my soul. I am being true to myself. And why pretend I don’t feel what I feel or see what I see? My feelings for you are beautiful. I will not hide them anymore.  I remember these lines from the movie “Adaptation” with Nicholas Cage – something like this… The love you feel for someone is yours. Nobody has the right to take it away from you, not even the person you love…“You are what you love, not what loves you”.

“The way to fill your life with love is very simple: If you want more love, give more love.” (Deepak Chopra)

My connection with you is real and goes beyond the physical realm. I trust you completely. I believe in you, your projects and your vision. I feel honored to be with you in this phase of your journey. Thank you for allowing me to be close to you and to get to know you. I will never betray you as a friend. You can always count on me. When I said that I was investing in your project because you were important to me, I meant it. I NEVER said that my investment required you to be “involved” with me.

I am not saying that I would not like to be involved with you. Why wouldn’t I? You are wonderful and I see the true you. However, it is not a requirement. It has never been and will never be. Things can stay just as they are right now. I will be your business partner, friend, sex slave… left hand, or whatever feels right for you.  I am not asking you to change anything.

“Don't try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. See God opening millions of flowers everyday without forcing the buds” (Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh)

Baby, I totally love you and adore you.  I don’t want to own you or make you mine.  Nobody can own anybody else. The only thing that is real is the connection among people. We have borrowed our physical bodies while we experience this life.  We will have to return them when we depart.  We will also leave behind all the material things we have accumulated. We can only take our experiences and the love we have for others and for this world.

Thanks for being in my life!

Love,

Adriana

PS- I know why I came to your life. I came to your life to witness the growth of an outstanding writer and director.

“Before you can do something that you’ve never done before, you have to be able to imagine it’s possible.” (Jean Shinoda Bolen)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”  (Marianne Williamson)

On emails -

From: Adriana
To: Victor 

It is a very long letter. It took me hours to write. I wanted to communicate things clearly to you. I would have preferred to do this in person. I tried to do it, remember? I just couldn't. You were making me laugh. 

I hope I was able to express myself in a coherent way. I used some quotes as well... I felt like I was writing an essay (hahaha)... a very important essay, honoring myself, my feelings and you. 

Thanks for being you... 

Love
Adriana 

From: Victor
To: Adriana 

Thanks you Adriana, that is a beautiful letter... sounds like a contract but hey... that is you... and I have to respect it and take it... that is why we are friends... right? anyhow, I am sorry I snapped too, but I am going through a hard times now... you know if I don't come up with a solution for this place I will be forced to move back home... I ended up in this situation part due to help my mom financial problem, back in 2007 and part due to have been betrayed by my ex-girflriend who stole 150k... yes so that is me now... well we have to have the present not the past... I am a giver and that is what happens to givers sometimes.. now I am in deep shit... but I am not a quitter. Thanks for been my friend.
love V

It was clear to me, on Victor's letter, that he was stressing the fact that we were "friends." I thought we would not be intimate again. I was ok with that. I truly loved him unconditionally. Of course, he would say one thing and do another. We continued developing our intimate relationship after this letter was written.

November 2010

Victor and I had a big fight when I wrote him a text saying, "have a good weekend." He and I communicated every single day. Saying this meant we would not talk for three days. He reacted to this. I wrote another letter. I thought that since he did not want to have a formal relationship and I had strong feelings for him, it was best for me to distance myself.  This is what I wrote to him:

Victor,

I don’t understand what happened. I know it was not only my text wishing you a “great week”. I know there is much more than that. Something must have happened on Friday or Saturday. 

You say that my text message was childish and extreme. If that is true, what do you call the way you are treating me? Isn't this extreme too?  I know you are going through very tough times.  Why don’t you tell me what is going on? You know I truly care about you and have always been there for you.

I called you several times and you did not return any of my calls. I know you would be really upset with me if I did the same thing to you. You would ask me to have the courtesy to call you back. I don’t know what else to do. I actually feel that you despise me. I sense it in your text messages and in your refusing to talk to me.

As I wrote in my previous letter: “I am not attaching any conditions to my love for you.  As I said before, it is unconditional.  I am not asking you to do anything or to feel something you don’t. You don’t have to reciprocate my feelings. You don’t have to have a “relationship” with me. If, for whatever reason, you decide you don’t want me in your life as a friend or business partner anymore, I would respect your decision – and my love for you would be intact. No conditions – REALLY, no conditions at all.”  

It is clear to me that you don’t want me in your life right now. I am not asking you to change how you feel. That is just the way things are. I respect you and will give you all the space you need.

It is really painful for me to try to contact you when you treat me this way. I also have self-respect and cannot put myself in a situation like this any longer. I know it has only been a few days. But this is beating up my spirit. I love you deeply… and at the same time my heart needs nurturing and respect. I am the only one responsible for my own actions, emotions and wellbeing. I am the only one who can take care of my heart and my spirit. So I have to distance myself. I cannot continue harming myself like this.

Please call me if you want to talk. I will always pick up the phone with a smile. And I will receive you with a warm hug when I see you again.

If I don’t hear from you, I will understand your decision and will respect it.

I love you, always have and always will.

Adriana

We talked right after I sent him this letter. We became even closer. He was becoming sweeter to me when we were intimate. I believed that our relationship was growing.

December 2010

I, again, tried to distance myself from Victor when I realized that my feelings were getting stronger while our relationship was not going towards a more formal "labeled" relationship. My head was telling me to put some "emotional" distance between the two of us. My heart was telling me to just be loving and generous... Although it may sound a little "conflictive",  I was not really confused about our relationship. I knew I could continue loving him even if we were not "intimate" any more. In fact, my head was telling me to end the "intimate" relationship to protect myself.

I was about to leave for Mexico for Christmas. I told him I would not have time to see him until after my trip. He got very upset and said "and you cannot find the time to see me?? I thought we would spend time together before you left!"  I changed my schedule and saw him twice before I left for Mexico.

                                                                                                                          Dec 20, 2010

Dear Victor,

I have been thinking about the conversation we had today. You are right about everything you said – about me acting like a child and playing games; how confusing a friendship like ours can be; how addicting sex can be (especially when it is so good); and how it can affect our work relationship.

The reason why I have acted childish and played games on those 3 occasions is because my head, my reasoning, tells me that I should not feel what I feel. I feel more for you that you feel for me. I am not ashamed of it. It is just the way it is. You have always been clear to me about our friendship. You have NEVER misled me. So my mind/brain takes over and tries to protect me. My head thinks that if I stay away from you I cannot be rejected. Then I do or say something that will make you react… and I do it in a way, that I shut you out and push you away before you have the chance to do it to me.  It is very childish, I know. 

My mind and my head agree completely with what you suggested: stop having sex, remain good friends and have a good business relationship. It is what makes sense. My soul and my heart, on the other hand, could not disagree more. In the next few paragraphs I will try to write what my heart has not been able to express clearly.

 What I will miss is not the sex itself but the intimacy that we have developed. Our friendship is as wonderful as it is because of every single component in it, including the sex. It is true that it is an unusual situation. We have become such good friends because we have developed trust and intimacy. Sex brought us close. It is the truth – at least for me. I don’t regret any minute I have spent with you.

I know that you are not my boyfriend and that we are not dating. It has always been clear to me. I am not confused, baby. I know where I stand in this relationship. It would be much easier if I were your girlfriend… I know, I know… you see me as a friend… I also know you truly care about me and you don’t want me to get hurt. You are a gentleman and a wonderful friend.

You said that we are friends and that friends don’t have sex. I agree - I don’t sleep with any of my friends either. But you are more than a simple friend to me. I love you so much. You know that I would do anything for you. I would give you everything I have and everything I am.

Finding this type of love is the greatest gift and does not happen often. If you don’t feel it, it is ok. It cannot be forced. If you felt it, you would know and have the certainty I have.  I cried and cried before I wrote this letter. I am so sad because I don’t want to lose what you and I have… And at the same time, I must admit that I feel fortunate because I have experienced this. Thank you for letting me love you these past seven months. You are the one who inspired this love and made it bloom. It is yours - believe me. It belongs to you.

Please be patient with me, as it will take a while to get used to not being physically close to you. I express my love with hugs and physical affection…. Don’t ask me to stop loving you. My love for you is so profound… it is unconditional and it will never die.

All my love,

Adriana

In this letter, I tell him that he never misled me as to being boyfriend-girlfriend and that he was always honest with me. Little did I know he would mislead me into this whole friendship/intimacy/business relationship.... that would end up in betrayal, lawsuits and scandals.

July 2011

After a couple of break-ups with Victor, in Italy and in California, I wrote the following letter to him. I have to admit that this letter was part of my final exam for my Master's in Spiritual Psychology.  I did a lot of processing, forgiving and healing through the writing of this letter.

Dear Victor,

May and June have been really difficult months for me. I know they have also been extremely challenging for you… Our friendship has suffered tremendously because of numerous misunderstandings and lack of communication. What I want you to know is that my love and respect for you are unchanged. As I have told you many times, my love for you is unconditional. It does not need validation or acknowledgement to survive. It will always be there even if you and I don’t communicate.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on the events that occurred and how everything unfolded. I feel that I have an idea of how terrible you felt and continue to feel. And this is the way I imagine it has been for you –

You started working full time on this film project in January. By this time, you had already accumulated countless hours of lack of rest and sleep. You found relative peace and balance through regular exercise and healthful eating. The first two months you spent long hours working on the budget, finding the crew, equipment, casting, etc, etc. Basically, you were doing 100 jobs at one time and not getting compensated at all. It was your project and you believed in it. You knew that if you put your heart and soul into it, something amazing would be created and you would be rewarded with some financial stability. You also wanted me, as your executive producer, to benefit from this project. You did everything you could to keep the budget as low as possible. You asked for hundreds of favors towards this production from friends, family and people you know in the business.

Just three months later, you were flying to Italy to do some of the pre-production work, location scouting, etc, etc. You also had to replace several crew people and had to deal with permits, insurance and other things.

Now, let’s picture this whole scenario…. At this point, you are already running on fumes but your will and determination keep you moving forward. By the time filming starts the first week of June, you have not had a decent night sleep for at least five months. And you still continue putting your heart and soul into this project… You start encountering many obstacles and challenges along the way. The actors don’t study their lines and show little commitment to the film. Some of the people in the crew turn out to be deceitful and irresponsible. Everything is at the verge of falling apart. But somehow, you always pull it off and move through it successfully.

Then I get to Italy. You feel that finally you will get some help and support. I will be there for you. I don’t communicate with you the way you would expect. In fact, nobody is communicating properly… and nobody shows that they really care. You feel all alone, carrying the whole burden of this film project. You are also using your own funds for this movie. In fact, you are getting in debt. You don’t want to share this with me because you think I have already invested a lot. This lack of communication between us creates distance and misunderstandings. Now, at this point, you are certainly alone. There is nobody there to lend you a hand.

Despite all the difficulties, the movie wraps and is finished a couple of days before schedule. You offer a beautiful “wrap” party where everyone has fun. You even hand the “snap awards” bringing humor and laughter that certainly dissipated the tension that had developed on set during filming.

Just a day later you realize that there is some equipment missing and that some people in the crew, who you considered friends, have betrayed you. The last two weeks that you had planned to stay in Italy to rest and enjoy with family, you have to spend dealing with all the problems left by the irresponsible people who were part of the production team. You were alone during the whole filming period, and now you are truly alone dealing with this mess.

Then you come back to the US and you realize that I have been keeping in touch with those people who hurt you and betrayed you. You start wondering where my loyalty is – with them or with you. You get furious and want me out of your life immediately. You don’t feel you can trust me anymore. How could you trust me when I have shown so little respect and appreciation for you and for the hard work you have performed for the last five months!!!

Is this accurate, Victor??? I hear you clearly when you communicate with me. You don’t even have to say anything sometimes. I know you very well and can sense what you are going through. I know that all these feelings of hurt, disappointment and betrayal are very real to you. Who am I to tell you they are not real? If you are feeling them, of course they are real. I am so sorry you are going through this right now and are feeling let down by so many people including me.

What I can tell you is this. I never meant to hurt or disappoint you. I have always been there for you. I have always respected you and appreciated all your hard work. I got into this project because I believe in your talent and want to be part of your vision and dream. And the main reason I became part of this is because I truly love you and know how much this means to you. Why wouldn’t I put my heart and soul into your dream???

I am about to graduate from my Master’s Program in Spiritual Psychology in a month. I started my Master’s about the same time I met you in 2009. I have learned and experienced so much in this program and in the wonderful relationship I had with you. It is so interesting that my program and our relationship developed in a parallel way. I would like to share with you a few of the things I have learned.

*Everything happens for a reason – EVERYTHING. They way you and I met, the timing… everything – it was meant to happen the way it did. The great times we spent together… even the horrible fight we recently had.  Yes, all that happened for a reason. I am so grateful for having met you. I would not trade a second spent with you. If we are meant to go our separate ways… then, it is for a reason as well…

*The biggest challenges bring the greatest opportunities – they come to our lives to shake us, wake us up and offer us the opportunity for increased awareness and growth. I met you when you were going through some of the toughest moments of your life. I had the wonderful opportunity to get close to you and witness your creativity and talent at work. Now this big challenge we are facing… yes, there is a great opportunity right behind it. We just have to be willing to see it.

*Everything is perfect and exactly the way it should be at any given time. Just ask Tarzan. I am sure he sees no imperfections in you or in the world… If we only saw the world through the eyes of animals or nature… we could see perfection.

*My outer world is a result and a projection of my inner reality. I create my life. I create my reality. I am the only person who perceives it the way I do. We all view our world in our own personal way. That is why there are so many misunderstandings and conflicts. Each person is a world… a separate reality… I have learned to be empathetic and respectful of other people’s lives and views…  But there is something we all have in common… The common denominator in all these “realities” is the love that connects us.

*And the most important lesson I have learned through my relationship with you is this…. Falling in love is the greatest gift the Universe (or God) can offer us. When we fall in love, we see a reflection of our own love and beauty on the other person. Thank you for that Victor. Loving you has been an honor. I have learned that my love has no limits or conditions. If I can love you that way… I can love myself that way… I can love the world that way too.

It has been a true honor knowing you. I feel grateful for having been part of your life.

Love,

Adriana

I wrote this letter with kindness, compassion and unconditional love towards myself, him, everyone and EVERYTHING. When I wrote it I never expected it to become part of my deposition.  

During my deposition, Roger Muse, Victor's attorney, used the text written in italics against me to show lack of credibility. He took what is written there as facts, when in reality I was just putting myself in Victor's position so I could be empathetic. I never stated that what was written there was the truth.

This is the last letter I wrote to Victor with my heart. What came next, was ego-driven communication between the two of us.  No more affection, kindness or generosity... our relationship was never to be restored.

Disclaimer – As of October 15, 2018, all legal issues have been resolved. This resolution was reached during arbitration. There are no pending issues related to fraud or theft. The resolution was mutually agreeable. There will be no more posts written about this story.

Our Relationship - The Trevino Version - PART 1

My Version of How Our Relationship Developed

Victor and I met on line. Isn't this a common way for many people to meet nowadays? We started communicating on facebook around June 2009.  We had sporadic communication via instant messaging on facebook.

Victor contacted me via IM on Facebook on September 1st, 2009. This "chat" and telephone/skype conversation is very important because it has become the central point of evidence used during Victor's deposition. This chat/interaction is the subject in several of the videos I have posted - The Facebook Hacker and Amnesia, among others.

Victor did not expect me to have copies of the facebook chats. The best story he could come up with was the "hacker" explanation and the highly creative "8 Impostor Story." He could not simply admit that he had written those messages. He assures that he NEVER flirted with me. The hacker did!

Please go to "How We Met" to see more detailed information and proof of how we first started communicating and our first encounter in person.

June 2010

We became very close immediately after Victor and I met in person again in early June 2010. We started to communicate every single day, either by phone, text, email or skype. In fact, there was no day we did not communicate from that point on until our intimate relationship officially ended in mid June 2011.


Our relationship started as a flirtatious and sexual relationship and it developed into a more deep connection.

Close Friends

Our relationship was more than a close friendship, we were also lovers. It is true that Victor and I talked about our relationship several times and we did not have a "label" for it.

He confided in me about his financial situation, his house going on foreclosure and his bad experience with his ex-wife. We became very close. I offered to help him take care of some things, jokingly stating that I would act as a "personal assistant."  It was clear that I was not his assistant as I was the "qualified" business person with the financial means. I started developing deep feelings for Victor and wanted to help him as much as I could.

Inside Jokes

• Left Hand - When we would lie in bed or cuddle, he would always take the right side and I would take the left. I could only hold him and "touch" him with my left hand. That is why he called me his "left hand" or his "lefty."  He would jokingly say that he would introduce me as Adriana, his left hand. And when people would say, "left hand? shouldn't it be the right hand? Why the left hand?" He would reply "Because she's very good with the left hand."  We laughed about this for months. During his deposition, my attorney mistakenly asked him if I had ever called HIM (Victor) my left hand or lefty. The question should have been, if he, Victor had ever called ME his left hand or lefty. Victor immediately answered that YES, that he had called me that because I was a woman - a man would be the right hand and the woman would be the left hand. He did not admit to any sexual connotation.

• Ditto - Victor wrote a couple of lines for his script "Arturo Bond," where Arturo Bond and the sexy female agent had just had sex. She tells him "I love you," and he replies, "dildo" instead of "ditto."  For some reason, Victor thought this was funny and would say it to me constantly when I said "I love you" to him.  See text messages below.  That is why when the incident that made TMZ happened, when he sends me a picture of a "dildo," I actually thought that he was saying "I love you too." 

• Church - To him being in church was being in the bathroom. You can imagine what "praying" was. I actually do not believe this is an inside joke. He used this joke with many people. It always made me laugh.

Business Partners

We were business partners from July 2010 until January 2011 when he withdrew his investment from the bank account.  When Victor and I became business partners, we opened a bank account together. We both had money invested in the account. We both have access to the money.  I felt safe that way.  Victor never touched the money that was in the bank account until we started pre-production of "Looking for Clara" in early 2011.

Beneficiary

I was traveling a lot back in 2010, and still am. I remember telling Victor that it would be horrible if I died and I could not help him finish his films. Around that time, I had also learned that because I had no family here in the United States, the bank would keep all my money if I died. It did not matter if I had a will or not, without an appointed POD (pay on death living in the US), my money would become the bank's, or the state's, as the banker assured me.  I then appointed Victor as my POD - "better him to keep my money if I died and not the bank" I thought. I knew I would not need the money if I were not alive.

During his deposition he acted surprised when my attorney asked him if he knew I had appointed him as my beneficiary. It is not true that he told me it was crazy.  He was pleased and said thank you. He also added, "but don't die... I want you around."

Lovers

Victor did tell me that he was not in the position to have a girlfriend - his financial situation was terrible and he did not trust women very much due to his last relationship. There was no misunderstanding there. So we did not label ourselves as "boyfriend-girlfriend."

However, he would say one thing and do another. He would say he loved me as a friend and five minutes later he would be taking me to bed and would be telling me how much he loved me... that we would build a production company and would always be together.

We were best friends, business partners and lovers.  In late December 2010, we had a conversation about our relationship. He said, "we cannot have sex anymore." I asked why. He replied, "because it is confusing you."  "Confusing me?" I replied - "I am not confused. I know where I stand in this relationship."  He then added... "then I am the one who is confused."

I respected how he felt. Although we decided not to have sex anymore, we did that day. I thought it would be the last time. I even cried in his arms while telling him that I would miss the closeness and intimacy we had developed. He held me and told me it was for the better.

I was ok with that decision. Victor and I still had a very strong friendship. I thought that we could continue developing the friendship and business relationship. I even wrote to him a long letter letting him know that our friendship would not change and I would still support his film projects.

Just a week later, Victor started kissing me and bringing me closer to him. He wanted sex. I asked him, "are you sure??" He said "yes." I remember asking him for two reasons.  First- we had decided not to be intimate anymore. And second - he was still hurting from a cracked rib.  We did not discuss the status of our relationship or intimacy after that incident. We resumed our sexual relationship.

Status of Film Projects

In early January 2011, we were not working on any film project. We did not have enough funds. It was not until February 2011, when I sold my condominium in Minnesota, that we could think of actually making a movie. I became the sole financier of "Looking for Clarissa" (formerly "Looking for Clara") and that is when our relationship took a sharp turn.

Please read "Our Relationship - The Trevino Version - PART 2""

See Text Messages Below.